Boundaries show where one thing ends and another begins. An invisible line that defines what behaviors are acceptable for an individual.
Boundaries can help to communicate our needs and wishes as well as establish rules: once we have clear in our minds what are the negotiable and non-negotiable principles and once we are ready to share, we can create together with the people around us our community rules.
Why are boundaries important for our kids?
Through Boundaries, we teach respect for self and others, for people and things. We establish our personal limits and teach our kids to share their needs and wishes in an empathetic way. Boundaries help to build rules and make them more effective, creating a sense of connection and respect with the people around us.
When we want our kids to understand the concept of respecting boundaries we need first to create our own and share them with confidence. Where to start from?
Setting OUR OWN boundaries
- Writing down our non-negotiable limits
- Establishing our own limits (per category)
- Involving and sharing with our kids in a way that can be easily understood.
Hot it works practically: Our 5 years old son is asking us to RUN back home and we feel too tired for that.
1. Recognize our limits: “I’m sorry love, I’m too tired to run back home”
2. Empathize: “I know you would prefer to run”
3. Be kind and respect yourself: “I love you and we can look for an alternative together”
4. Admit when we prefer to avoid certain things: “I couldn’t manage to run today”
Model self-respect: “I know I would be overtired”
Problem solve: “How can we go back instead of running?”
Brainstorm together: “walking, riding a bike, by taxi, by bus…”
How do we feel when we do things to please others? Often frustrated. When instead we start using this strategy to establish our own boundaries and to share with others we often feel a certain relief.
Sometimes is important to understand the situation and be able to find a compromise but when we constantly want to please others it may become hard to keep our own balance and instead our frustration may lead to our actions.
Once we master how to recognize and share our own boundaries we are ready to share this concept with our children, keeping in mind that:
Boundaries work both ways!
- We are in charge of our own bodies;
- Things that seem fun to you may not be fun for the other person;
- We listen to the other needs – both ways.
When we understand that we are in charge of our own bodies we feel more comfortable sharing what we like and what we don’t like which is a concept that must be taught during the early years.
It means that we shouldn’t push our little ones to kiss and hug their Auntie if they don’t want to, and this can help them to understand when they have to stop pushing their toy against their sibling because they are hurting others.
We respect others as we would like to be respected; I respect when you want to dress by yourself, you respect your sister and avoid grabbing her toy while she’s playing.
The next step is to set effective boundaries for and with our kids:
Every time we establish a new limit we need to keep in mind the following:
• Is safety involved? If yes there is no room for negotiation.
• Few clear rules: consider your child’s age and capacity to understand.
• Be consistent: avoid too many options, be the example, and redirect when the actions require so.
• Get down to our child level: sharing rules and being one in front of the other will take away pressure and fears.
• Is there a reason behind our limit? It’s important to avoid setting up boundaries to avoid certain situations, creating instead power struggles.
• Consider the age and knowledge: depending on our kid’s age and understanding we need to adapt the way we share (drawing? Writing? Talking?) as well as our expectations.
Here is a practical example of how to establish empathetic boundaries with our toddler:
Our 2-year-old is reaching the remote of the television and starting to play with it.
1. Describe and empathize: “ It’s colorful and with a lot of buttons, and you would like to play with it, I know that feeling”
2. Recognizing the limit: “I’m sorry love, this is not safe for you to play with”
3. Establish physical closeness and eye contact
4. Redirect offering an alternative: “ You can push the buttons of this book instead”
5. Ask questions to keep the focus: “I see a lot of different animals on this book: can you show me where the pig is?”
Stay tuned to find out about how to establish limits and rules.
Part 2 coming soon!
